From time to time I hear from self-styled “smart” guys who “know how it is,” that the only women who will have quick sex are undesirable, low-quality screw-ups.
They also assume you can only sleep with interesting, smart and “high quality” women by wining and dining them, taking them on lots of dates, and building a relationship before sex.
(Usually this means spending lots of money too.)
This notion comes straight out of the traditionalist belief that sex is dirty, trashy or immoral. The irony is that a lot of these guys themselves partake in casual sex. (But who cares about hypocrisy, right?)
More importantly, we only attract what we assume we can get.
That means, attraction and dating is often a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you assume you can only pull low-quality, drug-addled deadbeats, that’s exactly what you will get.
Because you don’t believe it’s possible to get cool, intelligent, interesting women in bed quickly, you won’t even try. You won’t approach them, won’t maintain a conversation with them, or won’t invite them back to your place.
Because you’re not trying, you continue to “prove” to yourself that those girls are “harder” to get than the less desirable ones.
And your cycle of negative beliefs and actions continues.
Here’s a short list of a few girls (names changed) I know who have had one night stands, casual sex and/or sex on the first date. Some I have dated myself, some are just friends of mine:
- Jennifer: A mid-20s music teacher and music producer who is very sweet and down-to-earth. She is saving up to buy a house soon (financially responsible). She tells me she’s had “a few” one night stands.
- Hope: A monogamous-type early 20s college student who is about to graduate and wants to be a primary school teacher. She once had an amazing first date with an exotic foreigner that ended back at his place.
- Charlotte: A confident late-20s healthcare worker who has worked at the same company for years, has an investment portfolio, and recently completed a Master’s degree. She has had long-term and short-term relationships, including first date sex.
- Anastasia: An early 30s massage therapist who is in an open marriage and has slept with dozens of men. She runs her own successful business, and has several side ventures as well. She even supported her husband financially in the early days of their marriage.
- Caroline: A super sweet college student who is in a rigorous academic program for her field. I met her from a cold approach, went out a few days later, slept together that night, and dated for months.
- Theresa: A mid-20s friend and former lover who I met through a work event, and slept with on our first date. She has a good-paying office job and is dabbling in other cool projects like performance and design.
None of these women are on drugs. None of them are train wrecks. They are all in school, or have jobs, or both.
I’ve slept with women quickly, and none has ever been a headcase or a drug user.
My big secret? I simply don’t assume that quick sex is the domain of the wretched.
After having some discomfort with sex earlier in life, I have a much more positive and relaxed attitude about sex now.
I don’t see sex as a problem, or some weird, unsavory activity. I see it as a fun thing to share between consenting adults and that’s it.
There is nothing wrong with quick sex, and there is nothing wrong with the people who have it. Humans are sexual beings who enjoy (and even need) intimacy.
Tons of normal, intelligent and cool people have quick sex all the time and it’s no big deal.
If you can accept that, and truly believe it, you might be surprised at the impact it has on your sex life.